Wednesday, November 8, 2017

The Cold Hard Ugly Truth About Meth Abuse of A Loved One

This last year has been complete hell. Truth be told my husband of 20 years has decided that using meth is better for him than his family or his marriage. I have no understanding as to why he choose this path for his life but it is his decision.

I have tried to be supportive for him to be in recovery even going so far as to go and watch him take his 90 days only to find not even 3 days later that he has used once again. Needless to say it is disheartening.This is a man I loved with all my heart for all of my adult life and to  have him choose drugs over me hurts but it is something I am learning to live with.

I had hopes until Sunday that we could work things out and that if he stayed clean we could get back to where we once were. After speaking with him yesterday and once again him doing nothing but spouting venom at me and blaming me for his use like he has repeatedly over the last year. I have come to the conclusion that this time he may just be too far gone into this addiction.

He knows how to say the right things to get me and others to believe that he is serious about getting clean but when it comes to doing the walking part of it, he falters and goes right back to what he knows. Before this last year with the meth use I have never heard him speak to me or Katie the way he has. Spewing hatred like a volcano erupting. My heart has been so broken over the last year that it cannot break any further.

It was so bad that earlier in the year I ended up getting a protection order against him. I should have kept the protection order on and left it at that but me with my stupid hopes and dreams wanted to believe that because he was in treatment that everything could be worked out eventually. Apparently, I was mistaken as it has a grip on him so hard that he is no longer the person I know or fell in love with.

I have been focusing on myself for the last few months and am at the best place emotionally now to deal with all of this. I have more confidence than I ever have and am surrounded by people who love and want the best for me. The friends and family I have in my life spend their time building me up and not tearing me down. This is the best I have felt in a long time.

With the meth use having such a grip on him I have said goodbye emotionally as I have prepared for the eventuality that he may die or go to prison. I know it sounds kind of bleak but that is how it feels as due to the fact that he cant stay clean longer than a 90 day stretch the possibility of either remains ever close. I know by doing this blog I am outing him but I no longer want to keep things close to the chest. I am my own person and shouldn't have to hide what he has put this family through under any rugs or beat around the bush.

My next few posts may go on more about what I have endured over the last year but I want to get these things off my chest and I refuse to hide any of it in the shadows.